Apology Accepted: How to Say Sorry the Right Way and Heal Your Relationships

We’ve all heard it — or said it — “I’m sorry.” But did you know that a good apology is more than just those two words? A real, healing apology can bring people closer and fix hurt feelings, while a half-hearted one might make things worse.

Saying sorry is actually a skill. It’s something we can learn and get better at with practice. When done right, an apology feels honest and comforting. When done wrong, it can feel like a brush-off or even make the other person feel worse.

Let’s dive into how to apologize well and why it matters for your mental health and your relationships.

Why Apologies Matter

At its core, an apology is about caring for someone else’s feelings. When you hurt someone, even by accident, an apology shows you recognize their pain and want to make things right. It’s about owning your part in the situation, which can be uncomfortable but is very important.

Expert Insight: Dr. Aaron Lazare, author of On Apology, says, “A genuine apology signals to the other person that their feelings matter to you, and that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions.”

It’s also key to understand that apologizing doesn’t mean you have to fully agree with how the other person feels or see things exactly the same way. The apology is about their experience, not yours. Think of it like saying, “I see you’re hurt, and I’m sorry for that,” even if you don’t totally share their point of view.

What Makes a Good Apology?

According to research by Dr. Aaron Lazare, who studied apologies deeply in many settings (from families to businesses), a good apology has four main parts:

1. Say what happened clearly.
   
2. Say “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” without adding ifs or buts.
   
3. Acknowledge how the other person was hurt.
   
4. Show that you feel bad about what happened (remorse).

Let’s look at each part and how it helps.

1. Say What Happened

Start your apology by clearly stating what you did wrong. For example:

• “I interrupted you during the meeting.”
  
• “I broke your favorite coffee mug.”

This part is important because it shows you understand exactly what caused the hurt. Sometimes people avoid this because it feels uncomfortable to admit fault, but skipping it can make the apology seem fake or like you’re denying what happened.

Expert Insight: Psychologist Dr. Julie Smith explains, “Naming what happened makes the other person feel validated and stops any confusion about what you’re apologizing for.”

When you clearly name the event, you validate the other person’s feelings. It shows you’re paying attention and taking their pain seriously.

2. Say “I’m Sorry” Without Ifs or Buts

The magic words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” need to be front and center in your apology. Don’t say things like, “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” because that sounds like you’re not sure or you’re blaming them.

Instead, say it simply and clearly:
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

This is the core of the apology — admitting you made a mistake or caused pain.

Expert Insight: Relationship coach Dr. John Gottman notes, “A clear and direct ‘I’m sorry’ helps rebuild trust and opens the door for healing.”

3. Acknowledge the Impact

People usually know if you didn’t mean to hurt them. That’s not what the apology is about. The key is to recognize how your words or actions affected them.

For example:

• “I know interrupting you made you feel ignored.”
  
• “I realize breaking your mug upset you because you loved it.”

This step helps the other person feel seen and understood, which can reduce hurt feelings and help forgiveness grow.

Expert Insight: Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist, says, “Acknowledging the impact shifts the focus from intent to feelings — which is what really matters.”

4. Show Remorse

Finally, say you feel bad about what happened. This is your chance to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings.

Try something like:

• “I feel terrible for cutting you off.”
  
• “I’m really sorry I used your mug without asking.”

This part helps repair trust because it shows you truly care about their feelings, not just saying sorry because you have to.

Expert Insight: Therapist and author Brené Brown reminds us, “True remorse is a powerful connector. It says ‘I care about how you feel, and it matters to me.’”

Examples of Good Apologies

Here are two examples that show all four parts:

• “I’m sorry I interrupted you. I cut you off mid-sentence. Doing that was rude of me and hurt your feelings. I feel bad for treating you that way.”
  
• “I broke your favorite coffee mug this morning. I’m sorry; I know you liked the way it fit in your hand. I feel terrible for using it without asking.”

Notice how both say what happened, say sorry clearly, acknowledge the impact, and show remorse.

What to Avoid When Apologizing

• Don’t minimize what happened or deny your role. Saying, “It wasn’t a big deal” or “You’re too sensitive” can feel like you’re gaslighting the person — making them doubt their feelings.
  
• Avoid “if” statements that doubt the hurt, like “I’m sorry if you were offended.”
  
• Don’t try to explain your side during the apology. This is about the other person’s experience. If you need to share your view, wait until after the apology has been accepted.

Expert Insight: Communication expert Dr. Susan Heitler warns, “Avoid adding excuses or explanations during your apology, as it can dilute its power and feel defensive.”

What Happens After an Apology?

After saying sorry, it’s a good idea to ask how you can make things better. This shows you want to repair the relationship actively.

Try:

• “What can I do to make it up to you?”
  
• “Is there anything I can do to help fix this?”

Sometimes, actions speak louder than words, so following up with kind behavior can help heal wounds faster.

Expert Insight: Relationship therapist Esther Perel points out, “Asking how you can make amends turns an apology into a commitment — a promise to do better.”

Why Apologizing Well Is Good for You

Learning to apologize can feel awkward at first, especially if you’re not used to being so careful with your words. But practicing this skill can:

• Strengthen your relationships
  
• Reduce feelings of guilt and shame
  
• Help you become more confident in difficult conversations
  
• Improve your emotional health and connection with others

If you find yourself apologizing too much or having trouble getting apologies from others, it might be worth exploring this with a therapist. Sometimes communication styles or past experiences make it harder to apologize or accept apologies.

Expert Insight: Psychologist Dr. Tara Brach emphasizes, “The ability to apologize gracefully is an important part of emotional maturity and healing.”

Final Thoughts

Apologizing is a key part of being human. We all make mistakes and hurt people sometimes — even unintentionally. But a thoughtful, clear apology can bring healing and understanding.

Remember:

• Name what happened
  
• Say “I’m sorry” clearly
  
• Recognize the impact on the other person
  
• Show you feel remorse

With practice, apologizing will feel more natural. And when you give or receive a good apology, it feels wonderful.

PDF on the power of apologies.

https://acrobat.adobe.com/id/urn:aaid:sc:AP:f0191212-b392-4059-a324-4011a0ab505e

Other Resources: 

• Wagner, M. (n.d.). The Power of Apologies. Columbia University Ombuds Office. Retrieved from https://hms.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/Departments/Ombuds%20Office/files/M.Wagner.ColumbiaUniversity.OmbudsOffice.ThePowerofApologies.pdf
• Worthington, E. L. (2002, July 1). The Power of Apology. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200207/the-power-apology

References

1. Lazare, A. (2004). On Apology. Oxford University Press.
   
2. Exline, J. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). “Expressing forgiveness and repentance: Benefits for mental health.” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 19(1), 55–73. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2000.19.1.55
   
3. Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge.