What Makes Good Couples Counseling: 10 Essential Qualities to Look for in a Therapist

Finding the Right Guide for Your Relationship Journey

Deciding to try couples counseling is a big step. Whether you’re seeking to strengthen an already good relationship, work through a rough patch, or rebuild after a crisis, choosing the right therapist can make the difference between a transformative experience and a frustrating waste of time and money.

Many couples hesitate to start therapy because they’re unsure what to expect or worry about ending up with a therapist who doesn’t understand their unique situation. Others have had disappointing experiences in the past and wonder if couples counseling can really help.

The truth is that couples therapy can be incredibly effective—research shows it helps about 70% of couples improve their relationships significantly. But the quality of your therapist matters enormously. A skilled couples counselor doesn’t just listen to your problems; they actively guide you toward new ways of understanding each other and communicating more effectively.

Here are ten essential qualities that distinguish truly effective couples therapists from those who might leave you feeling stuck or misunderstood.

1. Empathy and Emotional Attunement

The foundation of effective couples therapy is a therapist who can truly understand and connect with both partners’ emotional experiences. This isn’t just about being nice or sympathetic—it’s about having the ability to accurately sense what each person is feeling and communicate that understanding back to them.

What this looks like in practice:

• Your therapist notices when you’re holding back tears or when your partner’s jaw tightens
• They can reflect back not just what you said, but the emotion behind it
• They help each partner feel truly seen and understood, even during conflict
• They demonstrate genuine care for both of your experiences

Why it matters: When people feel emotionally understood, they’re more likely to be vulnerable and open to change. Research consistently shows that therapist empathy is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes in couples therapy.

2. Genuineness and Authenticity

Effective couples therapists are real people, not blank screens. They bring their authentic selves to the therapy room while maintaining appropriate professional boundaries.

What authentic therapists do:

• Share appropriate reactions or observations that feel genuine
• Admit when they don’t understand something or need clarification
• Show appropriate emotion in response to your experiences
• Maintain consistency between their words and their demeanor

What to avoid: Therapists who seem robotic, overly formal, or like they’re reading from a script. You should feel like you’re working with a real person who cares about your relationship.

Callout Box: The “Felt Sense” of Your Therapist Pay attention to how you feel in your therapist’s presence. Do you feel genuinely cared for? Do both you and your partner seem comfortable opening up? Trust your instincts—if something feels off about the therapeutic relationship, it probably is.

3. Ability to Build Strong Alliance with Both Partners

One of the biggest challenges in couples therapy is that the therapist needs to form a positive working relationship with two people who may have very different personalities, communication styles, and perspectives on the problems.

Signs of strong therapeutic alliance:

• Both partners feel heard and understood, not just one
• The therapist doesn’t seem to favor one person over the other
• You feel like you’re working together toward common goals
• Both partners feel comfortable being vulnerable in sessions

Red flags:

• One partner consistently feels ganged up on
• The therapist seems to take sides in conflicts
• One person dominates sessions while the other withdraws
• You feel like the therapist doesn’t understand your perspective

4. Skill in Managing Safety and Conflict

Great couples therapists know how to create emotional safety while also allowing couples to address difficult issues. They can navigate heated moments without letting things spiral out of control.

How skilled therapists manage conflict:

• They interrupt destructive patterns like name-calling or contempt
• They help couples stay focused on issues rather than attacking each other personally
• They ensure both partners feel safe to express their true feelings
• They know when to slow things down and when to push for deeper exploration

What safety looks like:

• No verbal abuse, threats, or intimidation allowed in sessions
• Both partners can speak without interruption when needed
• Disagreements are treated as information to explore, not battles to win
• The therapist maintains control of the session without being authoritarian

5. Active and Directive Engagement

Effective couples therapists are not passive observers. They actively guide the process, ask probing questions, and help couples try new ways of interacting.

What active engagement looks like:

• Asking specific questions that help uncover underlying issues
• Interrupting unproductive patterns and suggesting alternatives
• Giving specific homework assignments or exercises to try
• Providing structure and direction for each session

The difference from passive therapy: Instead of just reflecting back what you’ve said, an active therapist might say, “I notice that when Sarah brings up the budget, Mike, you immediately get defensive. Let’s try this conversation differently. This time, Mike, I want you to just listen and summarize what you hear before responding with your own perspective.”

6. Flexibility and Adaptability

No two couples are exactly alike, and effective therapists can adapt their approach to fit your unique situation, personality styles, and cultural background.

How flexibility shows up:

• Adjusting communication style to match your preferences
• Using different therapeutic techniques based on what works for you
• Being sensitive to cultural, religious, or value differences
• Modifying the pace of therapy based on your comfort level

What rigid therapists miss: They might insist on using the same approach with every couple, regardless of whether it fits your situation, or push you to move faster than feels comfortable.

7. Competence in Evidence-Based Approaches

While personality and rapport matter enormously, your therapist should also have solid training in approaches that research shows actually work.

Evidence-based approaches include:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT): Focuses on emotional connection and attachment
• Cognitive Behavioral Couple Therapy: Addresses thought patterns and behaviors
• Gottman Method: Based on decades of research on what makes relationships succeed
• Integrative approaches: Combines elements from multiple proven methods

Questions to ask:

• What approach do you typically use with couples?
• How do you decide which techniques to use with different couples?
• What does the research show about effectiveness for issues like ours?

8. Skill in Facilitating Constructive Communication

One of the primary goals of couples therapy is helping partners communicate more effectively. Great therapists don’t just tell you to “communicate better”—they teach you how and give you opportunities to practice.

Communication skills they teach:

• How to express needs without blame or criticism
• How to listen and truly understand your partner’s perspective
• How to fight fairly when disagreements arise
• How to express appreciation and positive feelings effectively

What this looks like in session:

• Stopping conversations to coach better communication in real-time
• Teaching specific techniques like “I” statements or reflective listening
• Having you practice new ways of talking to each other during sessions
• Giving specific feedback about communication patterns they observe

9. Ability to Address Power and Cultural Dynamics

Skilled couples therapists recognize that relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They understand how factors like gender, culture, socioeconomic status, and family background affect relationship dynamics.

What culturally competent therapists do:

• Acknowledge and respect your cultural background and values
• Recognize power imbalances and work to address them fairly
• Adapt their approach to fit your family’s cultural norms when appropriate
• Help you navigate the differences in cultural background between partners

Important for diverse couples: If you and your partner come from different cultural backgrounds, or if you’re in a same-sex relationship, interfaith partnership, or have other factors that affect your dynamic, make sure your therapist demonstrates understanding and acceptance.

10. Focus on Strengths and Progress

While couples therapy necessarily involves addressing problems, effective therapists also help you recognize and build on your relationship’s strengths.

How strength-focused therapists work:

• They point out positive interactions when they see them
• They help you remember what drew you together initially
• They celebrate progress, even small improvements
• They help you build on what’s already working in your relationship

Why this matters: Couples often come to therapy feeling hopeless about their relationship. A therapist who can help you see your strengths and progress helps maintain motivation and optimism throughout the process.

Fun Element: Couples Therapist Compatibility Checklist

Use this checklist during your first few sessions to evaluate whether your therapist is a good fit:

Connection and Understanding (Rate each: Excellent/Good/Poor):

• Do you feel emotionally understood by this therapist?
• Does your partner also feel heard and validated?
• Does the therapist seem genuine and authentic to you?
• Do you feel safe being vulnerable in sessions?

Therapeutic Skills (Rate each: Excellent/Good/Poor):

• Does the therapist actively guide conversations rather than just listening passively?
• Can they manage conflict without letting sessions get out of control?
• Do they teach you specific skills and techniques?
• Are they able to maintain balance and not take sides?

Cultural Fit (Rate each: Excellent/Good/Poor):

• Does the therapist understand and respect your values and background?
• Do they seem comfortable working with couples like you?
• Can they adapt their approach to fit your communication style?
• Do they address power dynamics fairly?

Progress and Goals (Rate each: Excellent/Good/Poor):

• Do you leave sessions feeling like you learned something new?
• Are you making measurable progress toward your goals?
• Does the therapist help you recognize your relationship strengths?
• Do you feel hopeful about your relationship after sessions?

Overall Assessment:

• Mostly Excellent: You’ve likely found a great match!
• Mixed Excellent/Good: This therapist is probably working well for you
• Several Poor ratings: Consider discussing concerns with your therapist or finding someone new

Red Flags: When to Consider Finding a New Therapist

Sometimes despite your best efforts to find a good therapist, the fit just isn’t right. Here are signs it might be time to make a change:

Immediate Red Flags

• Either partner feels consistently unheard or misunderstood
• The therapist regularly takes sides or shows obvious bias
• You feel judged or criticized rather than supported
• The therapist seems uncomfortable with your type of relationship
• Sessions regularly feel chaotic or unproductive

Concerning Patterns Over Time

• You’re not making any progress after several months
• The therapist seems to have no clear direction or treatment plan
• You feel worse about your relationship after sessions rather than better
• The therapist pushes their own agenda rather than following your goals
• You don’t feel comfortable being honest in sessions

When to Have “The Conversation”

Before switching therapists, consider having an honest conversation about your concerns. Say something like: “We’ve been coming for a few months and don’t feel like we’re making the progress we’d hoped for. Can we talk about what might need to change?”

A good therapist will welcome this feedback and work with you to adjust their approach. If they become defensive or dismissive, that’s probably your answer about whether to continue.

Getting Started: Questions to Ask Potential Therapists

When interviewing potential couples therapists, consider asking:

About their approach:

• What methods do you typically use with couples?
• How do you handle situations where partners disagree about the problems?
• What does a typical session look like?

About their experience:

• How long have you been doing couples therapy?
• Do you have specific training in working with couples like us?
• What’s your success rate with couples who have similar issues?

About logistics:

• How long do you typically work with couples?
• What do you expect from us between sessions?
• How do you measure progress?

The Investment in Your Relationship

Good couples therapy is an investment in one of the most important relationships of your life. While it requires time, energy, and financial resources, the payoff—a stronger, more satisfying partnership—can last a lifetime.

Remember that finding the right therapist might take some time. Don’t be discouraged if the first person you try isn’t the perfect fit. The qualities outlined here can help you recognize when you’ve found someone who can truly help you build the relationship you want.

The goal isn’t just to solve your current problems, but to develop the skills and understanding that will help you navigate future challenges together. With the right therapist guiding the process, couples therapy can be transformative—not just for your relationship, but for your individual growth as well.

Your relationship deserves the best support you can find. Take the time to find a therapist who brings these essential qualities to your work together.

Ready to explore couples counseling with a skilled, experienced therapist? www.drlewis.com

References:

Benson, L. A., McGinn, M. M., & Christensen, A. (2012). Common principles of couple therapy. Behavior Therapy, 43(1), 25-35. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2010.12.009 

Holyoak, D. L., Fife, S. T., & Hertlein, K. M. (2021). Clients’ perceptions of marriage and family therapists’ way-of-being: A phenomenological analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(1), 85-103. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12469 

Doss, B. D., Roddy, M. K., Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2022). A review of the research during 2010-2019 on evidence-based treatments for couple relationship distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(1), 283-306. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12552 

Davis, S. D., & Piercy, F. P. (2007). What clients of couple therapy model developers and their former students say about change, Part II: Model-independent common factors and an integrative framework. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(3), 344-363. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2007.00031.x